After seeing her 3 best friends from college tie the knot, Cheryl Swanson, a Georgia native, is hoping that her current lover will propose.
The two have been together for nearly 4 years, and although the timing might not be ideal, Swanson has been dropping hints more and more often.
"I really want this to happen, and soon, because everyone is starting to think that I have something wrong with me."
Cheryl's grandma hasn't been making it easy either.
"I'd like to be at her wedding. I mean, I'm 84, how long does she think I will live for!?!?"
Yet, Swanson is certain that her Grandma would pass away upon hearing the news anyway.
"Yah, she'd probably have a heart attack. Anything small gives her heart palpitations, this would just make her head explode."
For now Cheryl is still waiting for her girlfriend to 'pop the question.' Then they will have to move to a state that allows same-sex marriage, and then possibly move again and wait two years to legally adopt a child.
Donald, Daisy, Goofy, Pluto, Mickey & Minnie are all Disney Characters.
Mighty Mouse, Jerry, Mickey & Minnie are all Famous Mice.
Now this should make sense by looking at the chart. So although Donald, Daisy, Goofy and Pluto are Disney Characters like Mickey & Minnie, they are not also mice...
K here's where we mix it up kids!
Say that we replace "Disney Characters" with "Crack Addicts" and "Famous Mice" with "Prostitutes."
We now see that although Goofy is clearly a crack addict, he is not a prostitute. Likewise, even though Mighty Mouse is a bangin' hot prostitute, he is not a crack addict.
Just because Goofy likes crack, that doesn't mean he will become a skank.
And just because Mighty Mouse is a wench, that doesn't mean he will become addicted to crack.
The only ones who whore-out to pay for their drug habits are Mickey and Minnie.
Use this flawless logic and you will go far in life.
- Tomorrow - A random compliment at work about your hair will make your day. That's how sad your life has become, and how reliant you are on the approval of complete strangers.
- Friday - Although you used to go out and have fun with friends, a night watching television, and masturbating yourself to sleep, sans orgasm, will ironically reflect your current level of life satisfaction.
This was very important......
Steve Owens, the head of Research and Development at APS tearfully released the shocking information late Friday night.
"It's just saddening. Saddening and disgusting," Owens said, "To think that such a great genre of adult entertainment could be ransacked by such an evil group of unabashedly sick men."
Owens continued to state the major differences between the boy rape of the Catholic Church and the "religious pervert on preteen" sex in the industry.
"In porn, all of the sex is consensual, and none of the boys are under the age of eighteen," he clarified, "However; in the Catholic Church, none of the sex was with boys of consenting age, lives were ruined, and 99% of the priests have never been criminally punished."
The head of APS PR also described the methods used by the Pope and his "minions" to cover up the atrocities.
"Essentially, they played hide the rapist priest: here's a rapist, find the rapist, where's the raping priest? Round and round diocese to diocese he goes, who get's raped? Nobody knows! Except the poor kids."
Now, according to APS statistical data (which was compiled in several double-blind studies), most people who used to enjoy this type of pornography now have no interest whatsoever.
Stan Billings from Birmingham, AL described his new aversion to his former favorite porn.
"I used to think of it as fantasy, pure fiction. I knew it wasn't really illegal and that nobody was being hurt. That's why I was okay with it. But now, the images just make me want to vomit and go on a church burning spree."
The APA reports that the genre went from making up 9% of the industry ($200,000,000) down to .03% ($79,000).
It is believed that the remaining revenue is mostly coming from church leaders.
"Also," said Owens, "That number would be much higher if so many priests weren't still getting the 'real' thing."
It is reported that this industry will try to rebound by releasing a $50 DVD/Blue Ray entitled "Priests Gone Wild!"
Micheal Stedmier, head of BP public relations, released a statement today saying that, "Basically, none of this ever had to happen."
"Although we could have stopped the leak just hours after it started, the amount of attention that we immediately received made us feel warm and fuzzy inside," said Stedmier, with a grin on his face.
After the "warm fuzzies" wore off, Stedmier just began to have fun with the situation.
"I thought to myself, 'Well we could end this, but we have the world's attention... let's f**k with them.' That's when we started talking about using golf balls and old tires. Just to see if people were dumb enough to buy it."
Stedmier said that he then got Halliburton, and Transocean to go in on the farce.
"Yah, Halliburton was the easy one, Transocean didn't buy into the idea until I threatened to reveal why the founder of Transocean had the word 'Trans' in its name..."
The P.R. head continued to describe the other details of the spill that he really liked.
"So I've always loved dolphins and marine life in general, but I don't have cable. So when the news channels began showing videos and pictures of the animals, I just couldn't bring myself to ruin this perfect opportunity to see these marvelous creatures."
After a week of the free "sea-life T.V.," Stedmier started to consider stopping the leak.
"Yah, I was so close to giving the green light to plug the hole, but then they started talking about tar balls. I f**king LOVE balls!"
Stedmier then had a few days to watch the tar ball coverage, during which, according to co-workers, he locked himself in his office and refused to open the door.
Mary Rengler, assistant to Stedmier, reported that she repeatedly tried to contact her boss.
"So, I knocked on his door several times a day because of the faxes, phone calls, and paperwork that was coming in for him. But he wouldn't open the door."
Rengler said that her boss only came outside once in the three day stretch to get two boxes of tissue and borrow her lotion, which he never gave back.
As of today, it is estimated that up to 2,940,000 gallons of oil, 1 gallon of semen, and 3lbs of tissue have been wasted, because of BP H.R.
The cross was originally erected in 1934 by a group of men from the Veterans of Foreign Wars (VFW) as a war memorial. Apparently they assumed that everyone who died in the various wars were Christian... which is obviously false.
To pile stupidity upon idiocy, both the individuals who removed the cross, and those who felt it important to re-install it, had to navigate through crevasses and rocks that are know to harbor tons of rattlesnakes.
So, let's make this clear. A simple silly symbol was constructed to honor dead veterans, the VFW assumed that everyone was a Christian (stupid), it was taken down by people who were risking rattlesnake bites/death (and who most likely weren't Christian).
Then, this silly symbol gone missing inspired another group of idiots (who were Christian) to traipse through the same rattlesnake infested area in the dark, to put up another pointless cross.
Religious or not, this is ridiculous... yes? Vote on the right ---->>>>
If you like Something Corporate, make sure to see them during their reunion tour this summer:
Aug 2 - Minneapolis, MN - Cabooze Plaza
Aug 3 - Milwaukee, WI - The Rave
Aug 4 - St Louis, MO - The Pageant
Aug 6 - Detroit, MI - Fillmore
Aug 7 - Toronto, ON - Kool Haus
Aug 8 - Philadelphia, PA - Great Plaza @ Penn's Landing
Aug 10 - Washington, DC - 9:30 Club
Aug 11 - Washington, DC - 9:30 Club
Aug 12 - Boston, MA - House of Blues
Aug 13 - New York, NY - Roseland
Aug 15 - Atlanta, GA - Masquerade
Aug 16 - Orlando, FL - House of Blues
Aug 18 - Dallas, TX - House of Blues
Aug 19 - Kansas City, MO - Uptown Theater
Aug 21 - Salt Lake City, UT - In The Venue
Aug 22 : Phoenix, AZ - Marquee Theatre
Aug 24 - San Francisco, CA - Warfield
Aug 27 - Anaheim, CA - The Grove
Aug 28 - Los Angeles, CA - Club Nokia
NEW CD 'Played In Space'
|2.||"I Woke Up In A Car"||Andrew McMahon||4:14|
|3.||"She Paints Me Blue"||Andrew McMahon||3:39|
|5.||"Me and the Moon"||Andrew McMahon||4:11|
|8.||"I Want To Save You"||Andrew McMahon||4:27|
|9.||"Cavanaugh Park"||Andrew McMahon||4:25|
|10.||"If You C Jordan"||Andrew McMahon||4:18|
|12.||"Punk Rock Princess"||Andrew McMahon||3:53|
|13.||"Walking By"||Andrew McMahon||4:30|
|14.||"The Astronaut"||Andrew McMahon||4:33|
|1.||"Konstantine (Previously Unreleased)"||Andrew McMahon||9:37|
|2.||"Watch The Sky (Previously Unreleased)"||Andrew McMahon||2:56|
|3.||"Forget December (New Exclusive Mix)"||Josh Partington||3:12|
|4.||"I Woke Up In A Car (Adam Young Mix)"||Andrew McMahon||4:08|
|5.||"Letters To Noelle (iTunes Store Exclusive)"||Andrew McMahon||4:22|
|6.||"Wait (New Recording)"|
Jack Wellington, an 86-year-old former English teacher, was forcefully removed from the large chain bookstore after being warned several times to "quiet down" by part-time associate Debra Dunleavy and several co-workers.
"At first I was nice and asked him quietly to stop what he was doing, because he was so old," said Dunleavy, "but then he looked at me like I was crazy, and by the 3rd or 4th time warning him I had had it."
Dunleavy then found assistant manager Micheal Philsmoore and informed him of the escalating issue.
"At first I thought she was kidding, because we like to have a good time at the store, but then I walked up to him and he gave me that same 'what the hell are you staring at' look that Debra had described."
Philsmoore told reporters that he wasn't even that mad until Wellington began to increase his volume.
"It was like he was mocking me. The old bastard wouldn't quit."
Afraid that he would cause more of a scene, Philsmoore brought head manager Veronica Sanchez over to the man, who in the interim 3 minutes had somehow managed to acquire and nearly finish a grande latte from the in-house Starbucks.
"He was clearly wired," stated Sanchez. "At this point Wellington was practically shouting."
"ENTERING THAT GABLE-ENDED SPOUTER-INN, YOU FOUND YOURSELF IN A WIDE, LOW STRAGGLING ENTRY WITH OLD-FASHIONED WAINSCOTS, REMINDING ONE OF THE BULWARKS OF SOME CONDEMNED OLD CRAFT," the man hollered.
"And how the hell he managed to get to page 1, chapter 3 of Moby Dick without us already kicking him out is beyond me," said a bewildered Sanchez.
At that point Philsmoore and Sanchez attempted to take the book from the man's hands.
"You'd think that it would be easy to pry a hardcover from the grip of an 89-year-old man, but he was fast!" exclaimed Dunleavy.
Wellington then made a dash for the nearby upward escalator. The whole while continuing to read the novel and increasing his volume to the point where everyone in the store could now hear the commotion.
"That's when it got ugly," said Sanchez. "He tripped on his way up the escalator and ended up face-down, yet somehow, feet first, while ascending the escalator. And he was STILL reading!"
"UPON ENTERING THE PLACE I FOUND A NUMBER OF YOUNG SEAMEN GATHERED ABOUT A TABLE, EXAMINING BY A DIM LIGHT DIVERSE SPECIMENS OF SKRIMSHANDER," Wellington shrieked.
By the time the old man reached the top of the escalator, there were three mall security guards waiting for him.
Westchester Police confirm that Wellington is being charged with disorderly conduct after he received two warnings in previous months for shouting the lines from the Kama Sutra in Borders, and yelling phrases from Adolph Hitler's Mein Kampf in a private Jewish-owned library.
The "App" (if you will) was designed by a Christian group that cites several Bible verses for the new creation's inspiration.
Group leader, Samuel Jorgenson, defended the application.
"The Bible strongly encourages drinking alcohol," said Jorgenson, "Jesus, our Lord Himself liked to get drunk with sinners as He preached the gospel of salvation to them."
" I mean, c'mon, Matthew 11:19: The Son of Man came eating and drinking. Case closed."
The program, which offers tips and spiritual support, has many helpful functions.
For example, it can read your B.A.C. and record it on any day, at any time. Using this data, it can later help you to work up the courage to drive.
"You pussy, you've been more drunk before," the app says (citing specific dates and times) when it overhears friends trying to convince you to not get behind the wheel.
Not only that, once you get into your car, the application gives you active tips on how to improve your driving.
"You are swerving," the program warns, " try closing one eye."
Additionally, there are several celebrity voice options to choose from, such as: Mel Gibson, Betty White and Lindsey Lohan, to name a few.
While driving, your phone will tell you how many miles you have left to your destination, all the while, reciting pro-drinking Bible passages and letting you know if there are any cops in the area.
So far, Jorgenson says that the most downloaded verse is Mark 7: 17-23.
"Our Savior proclaimed that drinking alcohol can't make a person unclean." He slurred, "Because we are better than that."
Clumsily opening his world's best seller and most stolen hard cover, Jorgenson's breath soaked the room with the scent of Gin, reading, "Are you so dull?” Jesus asked. “Don't you see that nothing that enters a man from the outside can make him unclean!? For it does not go into his heart but into his stomach, and then out of his body."
Pausing to take a shot, he continued "So Jesus declared all foods and drinks to be clean, and he even talked about pooping... did you catch that?"
For just $9.99 users can get an iPhone attachment which conveniently conceals an extra car key when friends take your primary set away.
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But did you know that many famous political figures have had sex with each other? True story.
Unlikely hook-up #1: Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush.
"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex...uh...setbacks." --President George H.W. Bush
The bromance lasted until Bush began to complain to about Reagan's in-bed "trickle down on your face while you are sleeping" effect. Not because Bush didn't like it, just because Reagan stopped doing it after one year.
Not to mention the outrage caused by Reagan's gang-bang affair with an entire terrorist group in Iran.
Unlikely hook-up #2: God and Jimmy Carter.
"I've looked on many women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. God knows I will do this and he forgives me." –-President Jimmy Carter, Playboy Magazine
When God first started dating Jimmy Carter, little Jimmy was only 4 years old, which might seem wrong, but Carter's parents introduced the two.
Although former President Carter was in a secret gay relationship with God, he definitely was not a 'power bottom.'
When asked about his preferences, Carter angrily shouted "Aggression unopposed becomes a contagious disease."
When the former President got married to cover up his homosexual relationship with God, he later made it clear that he was not happy with what he had to do to become the leader of the free world.
"I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming."
Unlikely Relationship #3: ... to be continued...
When I first went to work after hearing the extent of the infection they sent me home because I couldn't keep my composure. I suppose that on the way there I was still in shock, and it didn't hit me until I actually verbalized the emotions. Then it became real. I don't remember crying that hard in years.
He will be terribly missed by oh so many people.
For whatever reason, the only song since that has been stuck in my head has been 'I Can Feel A Hot One' by Manchester Orchestra. The lyrics are barely even related, but definitely sad and reflective. A beautiful and sad song.
Since this blog is RPMS, I thought I would share the music video. I think that every time I hear this song, it will remind me of what happened yesterday.
He sounds vivid acoustic as well:
Having said that, Charle's P. Pierce's book helps to explain why this country has fallen to such a stupendous low when it comes to intellect, religious & scientific views and, of course, politics. It delves into the lameness of most people's 'reasoning' for what they believe, why they believe it, and how they vote.
Pierce even takes a brief moment to give reality TV shows (and the unrealistic drama '24') the mockery that they deserve.
I mean, what have we come to when a Supreme Court Justice (Anthony Scalia) cites '24' as a reason to support torture? How did we appoint someone to such a high court who asks, while deciding landmark cases, WWJD, What Would Jack Bauer Do?
-Side note, how ridiculous was it when politicians and news pundits were saying that Jack Bauer would have found the terrorist behind the failed Times Square bombing in, get this, 24 hours... not the 50 some odd hours it took REAL PEOPLE. What kind of blurry fake world do they live in. It would be one thing if they were kidding.-
Jack Bauer nonsense aside, Pierce shows how much of America votes from, what he calls "The Gut." Which is to say that it doesn't matter what the facts are, just what sells and what is convenient or makes us feel comfortable.
He also introduces The Three Great Premises to show how people buy into crap that is just that, crap:
"Since (right-wing) populism has at its heart an "anti-elitist" distrust of expertise, talk radio offers the purest example of the Three Great Premises at work.
A host is not judged a success by his command of the issues, but purely by whether what he says moves the ratings needle.
*First Great Premise: Any theory is valid if it moves units.
-If the needle moves enough, then the host is adjudged an expert.
*Second Great Premise: Anything can be true if someone says it loudly enough
And if the host seems to argue passionately enough, then what he is saying is judged to be true simply because of how many people are listening to him say it.
*Third Great Premise: Fact is that which enough people believe. Truth is measured by how fervently they believe it."
- Charles P. Pierce,Idiot America: How Stupidity Became a Virtue in the Land of the Free
I will leave it at this: It's a great book filed with various topics from Terri Schiavo to 9/11, global warming to the Iraq War, and elections down to creationism... to name a few.