(National Grandma News) A new, and rapidly growing group simply called the 'Make Awkward Sexual Advances, Not War' (MASANW) organization has begun demonstrating in cities nation-wide in order to protest President Barack Obama's half-hearted troop removal in Iraq.
Since Obama officially announced the commencement of troop withdrawal in July, MASANW has grown in numbers from one elderly man named Gerald Boituch in Hunstville, Alabama to a group of over 420,000 people.
Boituch was originally arrested for approaching strangers in Muscle Shoals (a suburb of Huntsville) and shouting, "We get in there fast without warning or permission and now we are lying about how fast we were going to pull out!" all the while motioning suggestively toward his midsection.
Upon interrogation, Boituch explained to police officers that he was simply a peaceful antiwar protester trying new methods to gain attention and numbers.
His attention-grabbing techniques made headline news in both the newspapers and on national television.
In less than 2 months time, the peace movement has spread from Huntsville to as far away as Alaska, Hawaii and Maine resulting in thousands of arrests as police are having a hard time distinguishing pedophiles, unwanted gropers and rapists from the demonstrators.
To curb the number of arrests and minimize confusion, Boituch has started to encourage like-minded individuals to utilize signs and t-shirts like the ones depicted below:
Some cities have also seen an increasing amount of graffiti, prompting Boituch to condemn the defacing of property and send newsletters to followers including a diagram teaching proper thrusting motions to lower the high number of reported back injuries to emotionally-charged MASANW members.
Boituch announced last week that MASANW will be sponsoring flash mobs full of awkward sexual advances in the coming months.
(Atlanta,GA) Home Depot, the world's largest home improvement retailer, announced today that is will begin selling three new products: oatmeal, rivers and excuses.
After conducting a short and altogether misguided study, Home Depot marketing strategists, in conjunction with Quaker, Water & Liars, has decided to start a new line of useless crap.
Stores will now offer oatmeal made entirely out of broken brick and tile shards to cut down on shrinkage.
the small and sharp pieces will be derived from solid, frogged and perforated bricks that have been destroyed during the shipping process.
Home Depot locations will also feature a new aisle that will be stocked with rivers.
Although excuses will not be a tangible source available for purchase, the retailer affirms that eating Home Depot oatmeal or purchasing, and strategically locating a river, customers will have great excuses for multiple situations.
"All of my teeth fell out."
"My son drowned."
"I'm literally bleeding internally, and/or, excreting blood."
Customers will be required to sign waivers to purchase the new products.
The advertising campaign will be headed up by actor Wilford Brimley.