New Zodiac sign emerges after wobble in Earth's axis

Billions of lives are now changed.  Expect divorce rates among heterosexuals to rise from 54% to upwards of 88%.

Hundreds of thousands of people will have to get tattoo removal. You will have to change your attitude and personality!

And oh goodness, don't forget the abortions!  Who wants a Sagittarius baby instead of a Capricorn?  NOT ME!

Here are the new dates:

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16.
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11.
Pisces: March 11-April 18.
Aries: April 18-May 13.
Taurus: May 13-June 21.
Gemini: June 21-July 20.
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10.
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30.
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29.
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29-Dec. 17. (Giant morauding, vomiting octopus)
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.

Candice Olson reveals new "Toilet room"

Divine Design host Candice Olson of HGTV fame has come up with a new concept that may change the way we look at bathrooms.  Introducing the "Toilet room."

Olson explained how the seedling of a thought turned into a full-blown functional reality.

"While I was in the process of taking the Browns to the Superbowl, I said to myself 'hmmm Candice,' I wonder how much of a person's life is spent on or around the toilet?"

She immediately began to brainstorm and make sketches on her notepad.

"I began to think about ways to use our time better whilst backing the big brown motor home out of the garage."

Olson realized that a lot of her time was wasted on the pot that could have instead been spent in meetings for her show.

"By simply making a toilet room, with say... eight or so toilets facing each other around a conference table, we can hold meetings without the interference of one person leaving to fax a shit to the toilet machine," said Olson.

In addition, she highly recommends adding Wi-Fi to the office toilet room so that, "employees can still check email and work while logging into the toilet and making a huge brownload."

Personalizing a toilet room for the home was the next step for Candice.  Her next Divine Design episode will show how to make a toilet room for the family.

"There's nothing like playing monopoly with the kids without Grandma having to leave the table 5 times to release the Kraken," exclaimed Olson.

Now, thanks to Candice, when we have family and friends staying for a visit, we can say, "... And this is the toilet room, where we will be spending the next 15 hours!"

(Candice... not Candince)


Man unreasonably terrified of being late

Todd Rivers of Boston, MA sleeps in his car every night out of fear that he may be late for work the next day.

Rivers described his routine succinctly.

"I get home from work. I shower.  I get dressed for work, and I get in the goddamn car."

From there he usually gets fast food at the nearby Spike's Junkyard Dogs drive-thru.  He buys 6 hot dogs, but only eats two of them.

"Two hot dogs is really plenty.  The rest of them I use to make lewd gestures toward senior citizens and small children."

Rivers has been arrested three times and hospitalized once, all in hot-dog-related incidents.

He described the medical situation with anything but tact.

"There's a certain irony to almost choking on a hot dog and having something that might have pig rectum in it be surgically removed from your ass," says Rivers.

 "Oh yah!  And I'm really afraid of being late to things... like work and other events or occasions," he added.