Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts
6.21.2011
5.23.2010
Somewhat Popular Pornography Genre Takes A Dive in Revenue
A recent in-depth study by the American Pornography Society (APS) reveals that the massive ongoing sex scandals in the Catholic Church have considerably hurt the "religious pervert on preteen" genre of the multi-billion dollar adult industry.
Steve Owens, the head of Research and Development at APS tearfully released the shocking information late Friday night.
"It's just saddening. Saddening and disgusting," Owens said, "To think that such a great genre of adult entertainment could be ransacked by such an evil group of unabashedly sick men."
Owens continued to state the major differences between the boy rape of the Catholic Church and the "religious pervert on preteen" sex in the industry.
"In porn, all of the sex is consensual, and none of the boys are under the age of eighteen," he clarified, "However; in the Catholic Church, none of the sex was with boys of consenting age, lives were ruined, and 99% of the priests have never been criminally punished."
The head of APS PR also described the methods used by the Pope and his "minions" to cover up the atrocities.
"Essentially, they played hide the rapist priest: here's a rapist, find the rapist, where's the raping priest? Round and round diocese to diocese he goes, who get's raped? Nobody knows! Except the poor kids."
Now, according to APS statistical data (which was compiled in several double-blind studies), most people who used to enjoy this type of pornography now have no interest whatsoever.
Stan Billings from Birmingham, AL described his new aversion to his former favorite porn.
"I used to think of it as fantasy, pure fiction. I knew it wasn't really illegal and that nobody was being hurt. That's why I was okay with it. But now, the images just make me want to vomit and go on a church burning spree."
The APA reports that the genre went from making up 9% of the industry ($200,000,000) down to .03% ($79,000).
It is believed that the remaining revenue is mostly coming from church leaders.
"Also," said Owens, "That number would be much higher if so many priests weren't still getting the 'real' thing."
It is reported that this industry will try to rebound by releasing a $50 DVD/Blue Ray entitled "Priests Gone Wild!"
Steve Owens, the head of Research and Development at APS tearfully released the shocking information late Friday night.
"It's just saddening. Saddening and disgusting," Owens said, "To think that such a great genre of adult entertainment could be ransacked by such an evil group of unabashedly sick men."
Owens continued to state the major differences between the boy rape of the Catholic Church and the "religious pervert on preteen" sex in the industry.
"In porn, all of the sex is consensual, and none of the boys are under the age of eighteen," he clarified, "However; in the Catholic Church, none of the sex was with boys of consenting age, lives were ruined, and 99% of the priests have never been criminally punished."
The head of APS PR also described the methods used by the Pope and his "minions" to cover up the atrocities.
"Essentially, they played hide the rapist priest: here's a rapist, find the rapist, where's the raping priest? Round and round diocese to diocese he goes, who get's raped? Nobody knows! Except the poor kids."
Now, according to APS statistical data (which was compiled in several double-blind studies), most people who used to enjoy this type of pornography now have no interest whatsoever.
Stan Billings from Birmingham, AL described his new aversion to his former favorite porn.
"I used to think of it as fantasy, pure fiction. I knew it wasn't really illegal and that nobody was being hurt. That's why I was okay with it. But now, the images just make me want to vomit and go on a church burning spree."
The APA reports that the genre went from making up 9% of the industry ($200,000,000) down to .03% ($79,000).
It is believed that the remaining revenue is mostly coming from church leaders.
"Also," said Owens, "That number would be much higher if so many priests weren't still getting the 'real' thing."
It is reported that this industry will try to rebound by releasing a $50 DVD/Blue Ray entitled "Priests Gone Wild!"
5.18.2010
Man Kicked Out of Barnes & Noble for Reading Out Loud
(Westchester, PA) A local man was kicked out of the area Barnes & Noble for reading Moby Dick at an intolerably loud volume.
Jack Wellington, an 86-year-old former English teacher, was forcefully removed from the large chain bookstore after being warned several times to "quiet down" by part-time associate Debra Dunleavy and several co-workers.
"At first I was nice and asked him quietly to stop what he was doing, because he was so old," said Dunleavy, "but then he looked at me like I was crazy, and by the 3rd or 4th time warning him I had had it."
Dunleavy then found assistant manager Micheal Philsmoore and informed him of the escalating issue.
"At first I thought she was kidding, because we like to have a good time at the store, but then I walked up to him and he gave me that same 'what the hell are you staring at' look that Debra had described."
Philsmoore told reporters that he wasn't even that mad until Wellington began to increase his volume.
"It was like he was mocking me. The old bastard wouldn't quit."
Afraid that he would cause more of a scene, Philsmoore brought head manager Veronica Sanchez over to the man, who in the interim 3 minutes had somehow managed to acquire and nearly finish a grande latte from the in-house Starbucks.
"He was clearly wired," stated Sanchez. "At this point Wellington was practically shouting."
"ENTERING THAT GABLE-ENDED SPOUTER-INN, YOU FOUND YOURSELF IN A WIDE, LOW STRAGGLING ENTRY WITH OLD-FASHIONED WAINSCOTS, REMINDING ONE OF THE BULWARKS OF SOME CONDEMNED OLD CRAFT," the man hollered.
"And how the hell he managed to get to page 1, chapter 3 of Moby Dick without us already kicking him out is beyond me," said a bewildered Sanchez.
At that point Philsmoore and Sanchez attempted to take the book from the man's hands.
"You'd think that it would be easy to pry a hardcover from the grip of an 89-year-old man, but he was fast!" exclaimed Dunleavy.
Wellington then made a dash for the nearby upward escalator. The whole while continuing to read the novel and increasing his volume to the point where everyone in the store could now hear the commotion.
"That's when it got ugly," said Sanchez. "He tripped on his way up the escalator and ended up face-down, yet somehow, feet first, while ascending the escalator. And he was STILL reading!"
"UPON ENTERING THE PLACE I FOUND A NUMBER OF YOUNG SEAMEN GATHERED ABOUT A TABLE, EXAMINING BY A DIM LIGHT DIVERSE SPECIMENS OF SKRIMSHANDER," Wellington shrieked.
By the time the old man reached the top of the escalator, there were three mall security guards waiting for him.
Westchester Police confirm that Wellington is being charged with disorderly conduct after he received two warnings in previous months for shouting the lines from the Kama Sutra in Borders, and yelling phrases from Adolph Hitler's Mein Kampf in a private Jewish-owned library.
Jack Wellington, an 86-year-old former English teacher, was forcefully removed from the large chain bookstore after being warned several times to "quiet down" by part-time associate Debra Dunleavy and several co-workers.
"At first I was nice and asked him quietly to stop what he was doing, because he was so old," said Dunleavy, "but then he looked at me like I was crazy, and by the 3rd or 4th time warning him I had had it."
Dunleavy then found assistant manager Micheal Philsmoore and informed him of the escalating issue.
"At first I thought she was kidding, because we like to have a good time at the store, but then I walked up to him and he gave me that same 'what the hell are you staring at' look that Debra had described."
Philsmoore told reporters that he wasn't even that mad until Wellington began to increase his volume.
"It was like he was mocking me. The old bastard wouldn't quit."
Afraid that he would cause more of a scene, Philsmoore brought head manager Veronica Sanchez over to the man, who in the interim 3 minutes had somehow managed to acquire and nearly finish a grande latte from the in-house Starbucks.
"He was clearly wired," stated Sanchez. "At this point Wellington was practically shouting."
"ENTERING THAT GABLE-ENDED SPOUTER-INN, YOU FOUND YOURSELF IN A WIDE, LOW STRAGGLING ENTRY WITH OLD-FASHIONED WAINSCOTS, REMINDING ONE OF THE BULWARKS OF SOME CONDEMNED OLD CRAFT," the man hollered.
"And how the hell he managed to get to page 1, chapter 3 of Moby Dick without us already kicking him out is beyond me," said a bewildered Sanchez.
At that point Philsmoore and Sanchez attempted to take the book from the man's hands.
"You'd think that it would be easy to pry a hardcover from the grip of an 89-year-old man, but he was fast!" exclaimed Dunleavy.
Wellington then made a dash for the nearby upward escalator. The whole while continuing to read the novel and increasing his volume to the point where everyone in the store could now hear the commotion.
"That's when it got ugly," said Sanchez. "He tripped on his way up the escalator and ended up face-down, yet somehow, feet first, while ascending the escalator. And he was STILL reading!"
"UPON ENTERING THE PLACE I FOUND A NUMBER OF YOUNG SEAMEN GATHERED ABOUT A TABLE, EXAMINING BY A DIM LIGHT DIVERSE SPECIMENS OF SKRIMSHANDER," Wellington shrieked.
By the time the old man reached the top of the escalator, there were three mall security guards waiting for him.
Westchester Police confirm that Wellington is being charged with disorderly conduct after he received two warnings in previous months for shouting the lines from the Kama Sutra in Borders, and yelling phrases from Adolph Hitler's Mein Kampf in a private Jewish-owned library.
5.12.2010
Idiot America: Book Review
Having said that, Charle's P. Pierce's book helps to explain why this country has fallen to such a stupendous low when it comes to intellect, religious & scientific views and, of course, politics. It delves into the lameness of most people's 'reasoning' for what they believe, why they believe it, and how they vote.
Pierce even takes a brief moment to give reality TV shows (and the unrealistic drama '24') the mockery that they deserve.
I mean, what have we come to when a Supreme Court Justice (Anthony Scalia) cites '24' as a reason to support torture? How did we appoint someone to such a high court who asks, while deciding landmark cases, WWJD, What Would Jack Bauer Do?
-Side note, how ridiculous was it when politicians and news pundits were saying that Jack Bauer would have found the terrorist behind the failed Times Square bombing in, get this, 24 hours... not the 50 some odd hours it took REAL PEOPLE. What kind of blurry fake world do they live in. It would be one thing if they were kidding.-
Jack Bauer nonsense aside, Pierce shows how much of America votes from, what he calls "The Gut." Which is to say that it doesn't matter what the facts are, just what sells and what is convenient or makes us feel comfortable.
He also introduces The Three Great Premises to show how people buy into crap that is just that, crap:
"Since (right-wing) populism has at its heart an "anti-elitist" distrust of expertise, talk radio offers the purest example of the Three Great Premises at work.
A host is not judged a success by his command of the issues, but purely by whether what he says moves the ratings needle.
*First Great Premise: Any theory is valid if it moves units.
-If the needle moves enough, then the host is adjudged an expert.
*Second Great Premise: Anything can be true if someone says it loudly enough
And if the host seems to argue passionately enough, then what he is saying is judged to be true simply because of how many people are listening to him say it.
*Third Great Premise: Fact is that which enough people believe. Truth is measured by how fervently they believe it."
- Charles P. Pierce,Idiot America: How Stupidity Became a Virtue in the Land of the Free
I will leave it at this: It's a great book filed with various topics from Terri Schiavo to 9/11, global warming to the Iraq War, and elections down to creationism... to name a few.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)