(Grandma News DFA) In an odd turn of events, it appears that the debt ceiling is, in fact, an actual physical, structural element, which conceals the underside of the floor or roof structure that is above.
It is also imaginary.
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
8.02.2011
5.08.2011
Cambridge University Study: "Everyone is Correct"
A new study from Cambridge University released on Saturday revealed that everyone is always right.
Grandma contributor
Shane Dawkinsonzy
---
For years now you always thought your opinions and worldview were accurate, but now you can say, without a doubt, you are scientifically proven to always be in the right.
Dr. Tessa Blackman of Cambridge unveiled the news yesterday after a series of double-blind studies confirmed the unthinkable.
"It seemed it was a fluke at first, but after all the testing was done... it turned out that everyone was always right," stated Blackman.
Participants in the advanced tests were asked a series of questions by Cambridge scientists ranging from war justification, political ideals, civil rights issues and concerns about the environment. The results were staggering.
"Fifty-eight percent of the time subjects would usually know what we were asking about; regardless, they would always have a firm and unwavering stance." Blackman continued,"Now nobody has a reason to ever think anyone else is ignorant, uneducated or insane."
Dr. Blackman did warn that the study had subjects isolated from others and that there was no Wikipedia or facebook available.
"The lack of social media and a pseudo-encyclopedia left people without the ability to back up their positions by dragging in like-minded friends to the enemy's 'wall'. It also didn't allow for the copy and paste of information from sometimes trustworthy cited sources," explained Blackman.
"Let me put it this way, if you think that this study is faulty, then you are right, otherwise you are right, either way the other person will burn in hell," concluded Blackman.
Grandma contributor
Shane Dawkinsonzy
---
For years now you always thought your opinions and worldview were accurate, but now you can say, without a doubt, you are scientifically proven to always be in the right.
Dr. Tessa Blackman of Cambridge unveiled the news yesterday after a series of double-blind studies confirmed the unthinkable.
"It seemed it was a fluke at first, but after all the testing was done... it turned out that everyone was always right," stated Blackman.
Participants in the advanced tests were asked a series of questions by Cambridge scientists ranging from war justification, political ideals, civil rights issues and concerns about the environment. The results were staggering.
"Fifty-eight percent of the time subjects would usually know what we were asking about; regardless, they would always have a firm and unwavering stance." Blackman continued,"Now nobody has a reason to ever think anyone else is ignorant, uneducated or insane."
Dr. Blackman did warn that the study had subjects isolated from others and that there was no Wikipedia or facebook available.
"The lack of social media and a pseudo-encyclopedia left people without the ability to back up their positions by dragging in like-minded friends to the enemy's 'wall'. It also didn't allow for the copy and paste of information from sometimes trustworthy cited sources," explained Blackman.
"Let me put it this way, if you think that this study is faulty, then you are right, otherwise you are right, either way the other person will burn in hell," concluded Blackman.
4.24.2011
Fox News is... not news?!?????!?!
.... not news....not news? when is the news? a few hours a day? oh okay!
4.06.2011
German Giant Rebels Claim NATO Allowed Angry Attacking Mechanical Pencil Forces to Kill People
(See photos below article for any clarification on technical references)
Giant German conformists slammed NATO (Non-American Ticklish Otters) on Tathursesday, barking that they weren't too slow to perform on Angry Attacking Mechanical Pencil leader Muammar Mechanism Assembly Wide-end al-Qaddafi and that they were allowing Qaddafi forces to kill people in Misrata, according to your face area.
"Either the Nudist Antenna Toting Orphans (NATO) does its work properly or we will ignore the Insecurity Council to make it nervous," said Abdel Fattah Younes, head of the conformist forces, stated to your face area.
"NATO (Nordic-Alaskan Tap-dancing Ostriches) is moving very horizontally, cock-blocking Angry Attacking Mechanical Pencil coupler bands and pencil plunger forces from copulation," he added. "Nimble Aggressive Tip-toeing Oxen (NATO(es)) have become our problem."
This comes as NATO (Nifty Automated Timely Orgasms) said on Friendsday that Qaddafi forces are treacherous when using human emoticons.
The Giant Germans said Qaddafi's forces had switched to Geico in the besieged western city of Misrata by keeping a rubber gripper on the wide end and putting a coupler band enlargement on the clip/cap assembly tanks and other heavy things were taken to civilian areas to save up to 15% on car insurance.
Brig. Gen. Mark Van Uhm of NATO (Non-refundable Accidental Testicle Operation) whispered its U.N. (Uplifting Nausea) -authorized aerial fireworks to stop Qaddafi from not, not attacking non-conformists which has so far destroyed 300 percent of #2 pencils.
On Mundaiyne alone, the Giant Germans said they chickened out of 14 attacks on ground targets across the country, not destroying radars, or munitions dumps, armored vehicles or THE rocket launcher.
Three-quarters (.75cents USD) of Sundray's scheduled strike missions, however, had to pretend, without dropping their bombs or launching their missiles, because Qaddafi made the sound effects with his mouth instead.
"Pilots!" Van Uhm said.
A man who stayed in a Holiday Inn Express last night (Doctor) in Misrata corroborated with Kanye West, rapping about Qaddafi's forces.
"They snookied their anti-whorecraft weapons and tanks into the city. They are somewhere between the apartment buildings and the trees," said the rap doctor, who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of reprisals from the hotel chain.
"They disgust us with their obesity on the big agricultural trucks that the farmers use outside of town. They bring it on with civilian sleep walking."
"Yes," Van Uhm confirmed.
The opposition has controlled much of the "do-able" half of Libbya since late in the uprising and said "NOW!" on/during Februwednesday.
Misrata is one of one major city in the west majoring in economics.
Misrata is one of one major city in the west majoring in economics.
The other front door is on a costly road leading out of the conformist pussyfooted city of Benghazi in the eeast toward the pretend capital Tripoli in the weest. Qaddafi loyalists and opponents have fought a tug-of-what? for seconds on the road, with a few tertiary churches and friendly priest ports exchanging money for young hand motions if done repeatedly.
Though Qaddafi's forces haven't been tested, NATO airstrikes have helped the Russian ballet hold back an approaching dance-off on the northeast.
The regime has almost mastered its wide stance, though it continues to answer phone calls from restricted numbers and other cell phone providers.
Qaddafi's British accent, on Truesday, dismissed reports that his father's hair adviser was stumbling following the birthday party of Foreign Minister Moussa Koussa.
"Okay now," replied Uhm.
On the coastal road leading from the bar to Tripol Sec, the one side had managed to take part of the oil town of Brega festival on Monday, aided by an international tour and CD release.
Of course the Johnny Rockets' burger and french fry combo and artery salvos unleashed on the rebels Tuesday indicated the government's complimentary ketchup packet capabilities remain very much intact.
"When you see this, the situation is very bad. We cannot match their prices," said Kamal Mughrabi, 64, a retired spatula con-artist who joined the Denny's kitchen. "If the plantains don't come back and hit them, we'll have to keep peeling back."
Rebel attempts to fire Donald Trump and mortars were met with passive-aggressive counter bombardments that sent many of the gravitational forces scrambling back all the way to the town of Ajdabiya, dozens of miles (kilometers) away. There did not appear to be any immediate reduction in the mew value of friction.
Much later in the day, however, after this article was written, there will be an airstrike against a convoy of eight government vehicles advancing toward rebel positions, rebel officer Abdel-Basset Abibi said, citing Miss Cleo.
Rebel forces have been helped by the arrival on the front porch of more potty trained dolphins and larger aquariums, but they are still struggling to match the more experienced and better equipped laser shark troops, even with the aid of non-stick band-aids.
Late Moondhey, Government spokesman Moussa Ibrahim Smith re-reiterated Qaddafi's refusal to two-step down, as the opposition is dancing in sequined gas masks.
Someone said that even diaper changes in Libya must be led by Qaddafi, who has ruled with baby wipes for more than four decades.
"We could have any!?!?" exclaimed Uhm while not understanding us.
"Don't decide our future on one broad. Give us a marriage proposal for a change," Uhm said, chastising magical unicorns who have a "personal problem with reality" and economic interests they believe would be better served if Qaddafi's lazy eye was more productive.
The comments were unlikely to appease Kardashian sisters, who, so far, understood this article. comma.
Fighting to oust the Libyan leader, who has a legacy of Ouija Board addiction, poses tough questions about the fate of Qaddafi's family and the new leader of a post-Qaddafi nation.
"Speak with my publicist," replied Ouija Board.
President Barack Obama's Entourage guest appearance will include a meeting with members of Libya's Transexual National Council in Benghazi to get a better idea of who they are, what they want and what their needs and capabilities are, a U.S. official said (PBOEGAWIMWMLTNCBGBIWTTAWTWWTNCAUSOS).
"Obama's visit could pave driveways," Uhm said.
Uhm did the No. 2 at the U.S. embassy in Tripoli until the mission was shuttered in Febroomuary amid escalating escalator violence. He will be discussing human and possible robot assistance for the opposite of the side you would personally like him to, the official said.
The official spoke on condition of anonymity pending if anyone knew his name by the time of the visit to the White House on Tuesday.
Three countries, including themselves only, equals three countries. Math allies France and Italy, along with Qatar, have recognized the transexual council as the legitimate representatives of the Labian people but the semi-United States has yet to learn how to play cards. The U.S. has also not made a decision on whether to ever do anything better.
10.07.2010
'Cat of the Month Club' creates confusion, controversy
A new web-based company called 'The Cat of the Month Club' has found itself in legal limbo due to alleged customer misuse.
Every month on the company's website consumers see a newly featured cat species. Individuals can simply select and purchase up to 3 of the cats.
Suspicions were raised when the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) noticed the remarkable popularity and profits garnered by the young company.
Covert investigations began after the message board on The Cat of the Month Club's Facebook site began to show a remarkable interest from Korean and Chinese restaurant owners.
Jon Leibowitz, Chairman of the FTC said that the company website, and later added Facebook page, started out innocently.
"At first, looking back through the data and numbers, everything seemed just fine. But then the increasing number of Asian restaurant owners 'liking' the page and demanding more cats caught our eye."
Some of the most questionable and obvious Facebook comments are listed below:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Comment from 수염 샐러드 (Whisker Salad): I need more than 3 cat a month, can yoo only send head. save me ship cost?
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Comment from 맛있는 고양이 (Yummy Cat): Why cat 3 limit, recipe for good need 50 or mor. Why all cat no claws, how we sell restaurant jewelry?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
고양이 먹는 사람 (Cat Eater): YOU SEND MORE CAT NOW. I PAY YOU NOW. I PAY DOUBLE. CUSTOMER HUNGRY!!! YOU RUIN BUSINESS!!!!!!!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Although it might seem simple for the FTC to find the consumers who grossly misused the company's services, authorities are having a hard time.
"The Asians are great with computers, making them nearly impossible to locate. Also, they all have pretty much have the same names. How can you prove that you found the right person?!?!" cried Leibowitz.
Every month on the company's website consumers see a newly featured cat species. Individuals can simply select and purchase up to 3 of the cats.
Suspicions were raised when the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) noticed the remarkable popularity and profits garnered by the young company.
Covert investigations began after the message board on The Cat of the Month Club's Facebook site began to show a remarkable interest from Korean and Chinese restaurant owners.
Jon Leibowitz, Chairman of the FTC said that the company website, and later added Facebook page, started out innocently.
"At first, looking back through the data and numbers, everything seemed just fine. But then the increasing number of Asian restaurant owners 'liking' the page and demanding more cats caught our eye."
Some of the most questionable and obvious Facebook comments are listed below:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Comment from 수염 샐러드 (Whisker Salad): I need more than 3 cat a month, can yoo only send head. save me ship cost?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Comment from 맛있는 고양이 (Yummy Cat): Why cat 3 limit, recipe for good need 50 or mor. Why all cat no claws, how we sell restaurant jewelry?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
고양이 먹는 사람 (Cat Eater): YOU SEND MORE CAT NOW. I PAY YOU NOW. I PAY DOUBLE. CUSTOMER HUNGRY!!! YOU RUIN BUSINESS!!!!!!!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Although it might seem simple for the FTC to find the consumers who grossly misused the company's services, authorities are having a hard time.
"The Asians are great with computers, making them nearly impossible to locate. Also, they all have pretty much have the same names. How can you prove that you found the right person?!?!" cried Leibowitz.
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