New, dull terrorism system to offer bland specificity

*** UPDATE: Familiarize Yourself with the New Terror System Retaliation is a HIGH POSSIBILITY ***

(Terror Grandma) The very first terrorism alert system, that was originally and graciously created during the George W. Bush reign, has been besmirched.

The new colorless terrorism system, which was abrasively described by Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano, will inform the public with REAL information on ACTUAL threats, thus killing the color-coded warning system put in place after the September 11, 2001, awfulness.

"This is the first time since the success of the African American Civil Rights Movement that we have seen the government stop using color to scare people," said Napolitano.

Indeed, the idea of using a general color scare-scale to describe a "terror threat" has been criticized for it's vagueness. But, the colors have, no doubt, been the only way to actually describe the meaning and seriousness of the potential terror threat.

Additionally, who really wants to know what incredibly awful things might happen to them and their fellow citizens?

Wouldn't you rather just look at a bunch of color swatches and have a general idea as to what may or may not occur based on, say, the color orange?

New York citizen, and pizzeria owner, Russio Giarnorelli explained his reaction to the drastic change.

"Mi scusi. Non posso parlare inglese," said Giarnorelli.


Janet Napolitano was along-side NYC Police Commissioner Gordon from The Dark Knight and Republicant Representative Larry King, both of which clapped upon hearing that the advisory system would actually make some sense.

Yet, intuitively, Republi-cares-a-lot Senator Susan Collins of Maine from the Senate Homeland Security Committee warned that revealing real information to the public, rather than various colors, could be dangerous.

"If this so-called 'real and meaningful' information doesn't get to the public faster than a specific part of the color-defining light spectrum, then how can we protect the nation," she screamed.

Continuing on, Collins stated that "Unless we keep in mind what colors these threats remind us of, much of the public might feel very confused."

Truly, how can one know if a potential bomb threat in a Los Angeles building should be taken seriously unless a color is provided?

"Hypothetically, Is this a yellow threat, or a red one?" shouted Collins.

The new system is a two tier alert system, compared to the previous five color levels, Napolitano clarified.

All warnings will be announced via live feed from the secretary's colorless office, ensuring no visual color scare, and yet give facts to the public immediately.

The two warning levels of the anything-but-exciting system are "slightly higher than normal threat," which "warns of a credible edible egg, yet non-color coded terrorist threat" to the United States; and "imminent threat that will chalk up to nothing," which "tells of a credible, colorless and impending religion-based threat."

These warnings will automatically expire, magically, after two weeks time, although they could be extended if new information shows a threat persists, Neapolitan ice cream-stuffed lady said.

Concerned Citizens for Colored Calamity Certainty (C.C.C.C...C) claim that credibility sans color will create confusion and commiserating will conclude in compulsory cat-tastrophes.

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