HAVANA, Cuba (DFA) -- Fidel Castro mumbled an intoxicated declaration of resignation as "fucking president" of Cuba and "fucking commander" of Cuba's "fucking military" Tuesday, according to his minion-run newspaper, the Granma (We might have to sue them).
(Fidel utilized his timeless, "HEY! LOOK
OVER THERE!" joke today while being
interviewed in his boxers and military
issue combat shirt by reporters.)
Castro took power in Cuba in 1959 and vowed not to let go until he "sucked the life out of all of his people." Admittedly, Castro jested that he didn't get to completely dominate his citizens in "all the fun and imaginative ways" that he had originally drawn up.
Although there is a clear consensus among democratic nations that every election was rigged in Castro's favor, Fidel struck a pose and pointed out that it was his "sheer sexiness and natural charm" that kept him in office during a time span that the United States saw 10 presidents.
"It just goes to show that I am, like, at least 10 times sexier than those bastards!" Castro declared while handing his vodka-Redbull to a staffer in order to light a foot-long cigar.
Castro divulged his "god dammed retirement plans" without warning by publishing a gin-stained photocopied letter coupled with a photocopy of his "sexy ass" in the middle of the night via his slave-run newspaper, The Granma. (Yah, we are suing their paper).
Fidel will be replaced by his "younger, but not nearly as sexy brother" Raul.
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