(Atlanta,GA) Home Depot, the world's largest home improvement retailer, announced today that is will begin selling three new products: oatmeal, rivers and excuses.
After conducting a short and altogether misguided study, Home Depot marketing strategists, in conjunction with Quaker, Water & Liars, has decided to start a new line of useless crap.
Stores will now offer oatmeal made entirely out of broken brick and tile shards to cut down on shrinkage.
the small and sharp pieces will be derived from solid, frogged and perforated bricks that have been destroyed during the shipping process.
Home Depot locations will also feature a new aisle that will be stocked with rivers.
Although excuses will not be a tangible source available for purchase, the retailer affirms that eating Home Depot oatmeal or purchasing, and strategically locating a river, customers will have great excuses for multiple situations.
"All of my teeth fell out."
"My son drowned."
"I'm literally bleeding internally, and/or, excreting blood."
Customers will be required to sign waivers to purchase the new products.
The advertising campaign will be headed up by actor Wilford Brimley.