Man Kicked Out of Barnes & Noble for Reading Out Loud

(Westchester, PA) A local man was kicked out of the area Barnes & Noble for reading Moby Dick at an intolerably loud volume.

Jack Wellington, an 86-year-old former English teacher, was forcefully removed from the large chain bookstore after being warned several times to "quiet down" by part-time associate Debra Dunleavy and several co-workers.

"At first I was nice and asked him quietly to stop what he was doing, because he was so old," said Dunleavy, "but then he looked at me like I was crazy, and by the 3rd or 4th time warning him I had had it."

Dunleavy then found assistant manager Micheal Philsmoore and informed him of the escalating issue.

"At first I thought she was kidding, because we like to have a good time at the store, but then I walked up to him and he gave me that same 'what the hell are you staring at' look that Debra had described."

Philsmoore told reporters that he wasn't even that mad until Wellington began to increase his volume.

"It was like he was mocking me.  The old bastard wouldn't quit."

Afraid that he would cause more of a scene, Philsmoore brought head manager Veronica Sanchez over to the man, who in the interim 3 minutes had somehow managed to acquire and nearly finish a grande latte from the in-house Starbucks.

"He was clearly wired," stated Sanchez. "At this point Wellington was practically shouting." 

"ENTERING THAT GABLE-ENDED SPOUTER-INN, YOU FOUND YOURSELF IN A WIDE, LOW STRAGGLING ENTRY WITH OLD-FASHIONED WAINSCOTS, REMINDING ONE OF THE BULWARKS OF SOME CONDEMNED OLD CRAFT," the man hollered.

"And how the hell he managed to get to page 1, chapter 3 of Moby Dick without us already kicking him out is beyond me," said a bewildered Sanchez.

At that point Philsmoore and Sanchez attempted to take the book from the man's hands.

"You'd think that it would be easy to pry a hardcover from the grip of an 89-year-old man, but he was fast!" exclaimed Dunleavy.

Wellington then made a dash for the nearby upward escalator.  The whole while continuing to read the novel and increasing his volume to the point where everyone in the store could now hear the commotion.

"That's when it got ugly," said Sanchez. "He tripped on his way up the escalator and ended up face-down, yet somehow, feet first, while ascending the escalator.  And he was STILL reading!"

"UPON ENTERING THE PLACE I FOUND A NUMBER OF YOUNG SEAMEN GATHERED ABOUT A TABLE, EXAMINING BY A DIM LIGHT DIVERSE SPECIMENS OF SKRIMSHANDER," Wellington shrieked.

By the time the old man reached the top of the escalator, there were three mall security guards waiting for him.

Westchester Police confirm that Wellington is being charged with disorderly conduct after he received two warnings in previous months for shouting the lines from the Kama Sutra in Borders, and yelling phrases from Adolph Hitler's Mein Kampf in a private Jewish-owned library.

New iPhone Application Encourages Users to Drive Drunk

   In what can only be called a stunning release, Apple announced it's newest application today, the "Driving While Inspired" program (D.W.I.), which, when engaged, encourages inebriated individuals to get into a vehicle and drive.

The "App" (if you will) was designed by a Christian group that cites several Bible verses for the new creation's inspiration.

Group leader, Samuel Jorgenson, defended the application.

"The Bible strongly encourages drinking alcohol," said Jorgenson, "Jesus, our Lord Himself liked to get drunk with sinners as He preached the gospel of salvation to them."

" I mean, c'mon, Matthew 11:19: The Son of Man came eating and drinking.  Case closed."

The program, which offers tips and spiritual support, has many helpful functions.

For example, it can read your B.A.C. and record it on any day, at any time.  Using this data, it can later help you to work up the courage to drive.

"You pussy, you've been more drunk before," the app says (citing specific dates and times) when it overhears friends trying to convince you to not get behind the wheel.

Not only that, once you get into your car, the application gives you active tips on how to improve your driving.

"You are swerving," the program warns, " try closing one eye."

Additionally, there are several celebrity voice options to choose from, such as: Mel Gibson, Betty White and Lindsey Lohan, to name a few.

While driving, your phone will tell you how many miles you have left to your destination, all the while, reciting pro-drinking Bible passages and letting you know if there are any cops in the area.

So far, Jorgenson says that the most downloaded verse is Mark 7: 17-23.

"Our Savior proclaimed that drinking alcohol can't make a person unclean." He slurred, "Because we are better than that."

Clumsily opening his world's best seller and most stolen hard cover, Jorgenson's breath soaked the room with the scent of Gin, reading, "Are you so dull?” Jesus asked. “Don't you see that nothing that enters a man from the outside can make him unclean!? For it does not go into his heart but into his stomach, and then out of his body."

Pausing to take a shot, he continued "So Jesus declared all foods and drinks to be clean, and he even talked about pooping... did you catch that?"

For just $9.99 users can get an iPhone attachment which conveniently conceals an extra car key when friends take your primary set away.

hahaha

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Sexy American Politics: Short Stories of Untold Hook-ups

     Politics and sex go hand in hand like a lonely person, genitals and pornography.


But did you know that many famous political figures have had sex with each other?  True story.

Unlikely hook-up #1:  Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush.

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex...uh...setbacks." --President George H.W. Bush

The bromance lasted until Bush began to complain to about Reagan's in-bed "trickle down on your face while you are sleeping" effect.  Not because Bush didn't like it, just because Reagan stopped doing it after one year.

Not to mention the outrage caused by Reagan's gang-bang affair with an entire terrorist group in Iran.

Unlikely hook-up #2:  God and Jimmy Carter.

"I've looked on many women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. God knows I will do this and he forgives me." –-President Jimmy Carter, Playboy Magazine

When God first started dating Jimmy Carter, little Jimmy was only 4 years old, which might seem wrong, but Carter's parents introduced the two.

Although former President Carter was in a secret gay relationship with God, he definitely was not a 'power bottom.'

When asked about his preferences, Carter angrily shouted "Aggression unopposed becomes a contagious disease."

When the former President got married to cover up his homosexual relationship with God, he later made it clear that he was not happy with what he had to do to become the leader of the free world.

"I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming."

 Unlikely Relationship #3:  ... to be continued...