(GRANDMA'S DEATH) - Unfortunately I think my blog was hacked, or something. It comes up as an "attack site" when you try to view it. If you want to continue following me, this will be my new blog. The ugly design is temporary. I'm open to suggestions, leave a comment on the blog.
-DFA
8.05.2011
8.02.2011
McConnell admits to being 1/8th turtle, not gay
(Fact Grandma contributor DFA) Sixty-nine year-old Kentucky Senator Mich McConnell admitted today that his great grandfather was a turtle and that his race means no harm to the United States of America.
Debt Ceiling turns out to actually be an overhead interior surface that covers the upper limit of a room
(Grandma News DFA) In an odd turn of events, it appears that the debt ceiling is, in fact, an actual physical, structural element, which conceals the underside of the floor or roof structure that is above.
It is also imaginary.
It is also imaginary.
7.03.2011
BREAKING NEWS: 4th of July
In a shocking turn of events, it seems that people are gearing up for the Fourth of July by doing the exact same type of shit they did last year.
The grills are out, the beer is somewhat cold, Grandma just shit in the pool and nobody is watching the kids.
Your creepy uncle showed up with a shit-ton of illegal fireworks in order to spend more time standing way too close behind you and whispering in your ear.
"That's it, get that fuse nice and hot. Yah! AND DON'T YOU F$#%@ING TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS!"
Your overweight alcoholic aunt has too much to drink and starts bitching about the left-wing media and how she wants her burger done medium-rare and how she only trusts Fox News and that you should share the chips because they are for everyone.
Three of the neighborhood kids lose fingers or become partially blinded. Grandpa is afraid that the dogs will eat the baby. Nobody can find the baby. Who the F put Grandpa in charge of the baby?
The grills are out, the beer is somewhat cold, Grandma just shit in the pool and nobody is watching the kids.
Your creepy uncle showed up with a shit-ton of illegal fireworks in order to spend more time standing way too close behind you and whispering in your ear.
"That's it, get that fuse nice and hot. Yah! AND DON'T YOU F$#%@ING TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS!"
Your overweight alcoholic aunt has too much to drink and starts bitching about the left-wing media and how she wants her burger done medium-rare and how she only trusts Fox News and that you should share the chips because they are for everyone.
Three of the neighborhood kids lose fingers or become partially blinded. Grandpa is afraid that the dogs will eat the baby. Nobody can find the baby. Who the F put Grandpa in charge of the baby?
6.21.2011
6.19.2011
6.13.2011
6.12.2011
6.07.2011
Catholic school bans rainbow
St. Joseph Catholic Secondary School of Ontario, Canada has banned the rainbow. No skittles kids! And if it rains... put on the horse blinders!
Seriously, some LGBT kids at the school were putting together an information booth, like all the other clubs are allowed to, and the school made them remove anything rainbow because it is "associated with pride."
They also had to put away fliers that twice mentioned safe sex and educated people on AIDS.
The students instead baked cupcakes that used a rainbow batter to raise funds. They got away with that... well until they went to donate the $200 proceeds to a gay charity. The school banned that. They weren't allowed to donate to any gay friendly organization.Instead they forced them to donate the money to a Catholic group.
The head of Queers of Ontario says that this just shows that the school has no interest in recognizing the existence of diversity. Do Catholics realize how many gay people there are, and how many are members of the church?
The student group plans to make their discrimination at the school public at the upcoming local Pride events. Of course, the principle doesn't want the students to mention what school they go to.
Private schools can make up their own rules... but at some point they need to realize that they are only getting bad publicity and looking like angry, scared and ignorant fools.
Private schools can make up their own rules... but at some point they need to realize that they are only getting bad publicity and looking like angry, scared and ignorant fools.
6.06.2011
Suicide rates peak as technology hits 3rd world countries
(Sad News Grandma) Senegal, Rwanda, Ethiopia, Zambia and Chad are just a few of the 3rd World Countries whose public have recently gained access to the internet and cable television; the results have been drastic and deeply saddening.
Dr. Margaret Chan, head of the World Health Organizations (WHO) says the tragedy appears to be brought on by culture shock and utter disgust.
"These starving and impoverished people are in awe of the terrible things they are seeing on television and across the internet. So, ironically, it seems that the government aid and various charity funding has resulted in the downfall of the people of these countries," said Chan.
Man versus Food has been cited as one of the main causes of death. A show in which one bloated, obese and sweaty man stuffs his face with ridiculous amounts of food, often to the point of vomiting. One Zambian, Sonkwe Meluhli, has seen half of her family members take their own lives.
(Grandma Translation) "My father, my cousin, 2 of my brothers and my only sister have all taken their own lives. We have been starving to death and living like worthless animals while you gluttonous greedy sloths win millions of dollars on TV for eating the shit we eat on a daily basis," said Meluhli, citing Fear Factor.
Indeed shows like Hoarders, The Biggest Loser, Survivor and What Not to Wear have left the poor, homeless, emaciated, and sometimes naked 3rd world dwellers in disbelief.
"We've been here, in this shit hole for decades and now I come to find out that people have houses filled with too much stuff?! People win money for being overweight and then getting to a somewhat 'healthy' size?!" Senegalese citizen Ibrahima Moussa shouted.
Picking up a dull machete, he continued.
"People are placed in a 'remote location' for a very short period of time, play games, and win prizes. People have closets full of clothes, but the clothing isn't good enough?!?!?!"
Dr. Chan says that WHO is laying out several options to try to curb the increasing number of suicides.
"We have a few things on the table. We might try to cut their newly created power grids or possibly ask Americans to stop wasting money and time making awful shows and instead do something meaningful," said Chan.
We are leaning toward the power grid idea because it's the easiest for both Americans and 3rd world citizens. They can then go back to avoiding, not caring, or not knowing about the terribleness of reality.
Dr. Margaret Chan, head of the World Health Organizations (WHO) says the tragedy appears to be brought on by culture shock and utter disgust.
"These starving and impoverished people are in awe of the terrible things they are seeing on television and across the internet. So, ironically, it seems that the government aid and various charity funding has resulted in the downfall of the people of these countries," said Chan.
Man versus Food has been cited as one of the main causes of death. A show in which one bloated, obese and sweaty man stuffs his face with ridiculous amounts of food, often to the point of vomiting. One Zambian, Sonkwe Meluhli, has seen half of her family members take their own lives.
(Grandma Translation) "My father, my cousin, 2 of my brothers and my only sister have all taken their own lives. We have been starving to death and living like worthless animals while you gluttonous greedy sloths win millions of dollars on TV for eating the shit we eat on a daily basis," said Meluhli, citing Fear Factor.
Indeed shows like Hoarders, The Biggest Loser, Survivor and What Not to Wear have left the poor, homeless, emaciated, and sometimes naked 3rd world dwellers in disbelief.
"We've been here, in this shit hole for decades and now I come to find out that people have houses filled with too much stuff?! People win money for being overweight and then getting to a somewhat 'healthy' size?!" Senegalese citizen Ibrahima Moussa shouted.
Picking up a dull machete, he continued.
"People are placed in a 'remote location' for a very short period of time, play games, and win prizes. People have closets full of clothes, but the clothing isn't good enough?!?!?!"
Dr. Chan says that WHO is laying out several options to try to curb the increasing number of suicides.
"We have a few things on the table. We might try to cut their newly created power grids or possibly ask Americans to stop wasting money and time making awful shows and instead do something meaningful," said Chan.
We are leaning toward the power grid idea because it's the easiest for both Americans and 3rd world citizens. They can then go back to avoiding, not caring, or not knowing about the terribleness of reality.
Sarah Palin makes America's first ever political bus tour
Sarah Palin's bus tour around the country is garnering a lot of media attention; proving that Palin is the face of the Republican party.
"Just when many critics had all but dismissed Sarah Palin's political future, saying her negatives are too high, and her ability to address important issues lacking, she has used something as simple as a bus tour to confound them," says Fox News contributor Dr. Charles Dunn.
Indeed a bus tour is something that no potential political candidate has ever done before. Such a feat would leave any critic of Palin baffled, to be sure. Especially when Palin uses wide-sweeping vagueness to explain what she's doing.
“This isn't a campaign bus (Opening page of her site- "The 'One Nation Tour' is part of our new campaign..." http://www.sarahpac.com). This is a bus to be able to express to America how much we appreciate our foundation and to invite more people to be interested in all that is good about America and to remind ourselves we don't need to fundamentally transform America, we need to restore what's good about America," said Palin.
Indeed, Americans should appreciate our foundation and be interested in all that is good and restore what is good. Wow! I just remembered that I also like things that are good and would like to bring back other things that I personally thought were good that aren't really around anymore. And of course get rid of things that I think aren't good. Sarah Palin 2012 - Good.
Palin's bus tour, according to Dr. Dunn "speaks to the socially and religiously conservative heartbeat of Middle America. Sarah Palin understands what Ronald Reagan understood," Dunn continues, "To defeat Jimmy Carter, who said Americans were in a state of malaise, Reagan optimistically appealed to the potent political power of Middle America embodied in his slogan, 'It's morning in America'."
Dunn makes a great point here: the heartbeat of the country is in the red states only. So does that mean that the brain of the country lies elsewhere? Also, Palin knows what it takes to defeat black Jimmy Carter.
Dunn continues on to describe Palin's followers.
"They are on the whole patriotic and religious folks who appreciate what Sarah Palin represents. They like to see someone who represents their values making the headlines and forcing the hand of the media moguls and political power brokers."
A rare and intriguing insight here: People like to see people with the same views representing them on a large scale. Who would have thought?
Dunn claims that Palin's bus tour has thrown a "monkey wrench into the plans of Republican presidential aspirants, who must take her star-power prowess into consideration and adjust their campaigns accordingly."
He continues to say that whoever wins the Republican nomination "must have the support of Sarah Palin's large and loyal following to win the Presidency," whether or not she runs.
And of course, any other candidate who decided to use a bus tour would just be copying Palin's originality. Unless she approves of their decision.
So, in summation, Palin IS the face of the G.O.P. and she is calling the shots. This must be the case, since as of May 26th former Massachusetts governor, Mitt Romney, leads among candidates with 17% of Republicans and independents supporting him, followed by Palin, former VP candidate, with 15%.
"Just when many critics had all but dismissed Sarah Palin's political future, saying her negatives are too high, and her ability to address important issues lacking, she has used something as simple as a bus tour to confound them," says Fox News contributor Dr. Charles Dunn.
Indeed a bus tour is something that no potential political candidate has ever done before. Such a feat would leave any critic of Palin baffled, to be sure. Especially when Palin uses wide-sweeping vagueness to explain what she's doing.
“This isn't a campaign bus (Opening page of her site- "The 'One Nation Tour' is part of our new campaign..." http://www.sarahpac.com). This is a bus to be able to express to America how much we appreciate our foundation and to invite more people to be interested in all that is good about America and to remind ourselves we don't need to fundamentally transform America, we need to restore what's good about America," said Palin.
Indeed, Americans should appreciate our foundation and be interested in all that is good and restore what is good. Wow! I just remembered that I also like things that are good and would like to bring back other things that I personally thought were good that aren't really around anymore. And of course get rid of things that I think aren't good. Sarah Palin 2012 - Good.
Palin's bus tour, according to Dr. Dunn "speaks to the socially and religiously conservative heartbeat of Middle America. Sarah Palin understands what Ronald Reagan understood," Dunn continues, "To defeat Jimmy Carter, who said Americans were in a state of malaise, Reagan optimistically appealed to the potent political power of Middle America embodied in his slogan, 'It's morning in America'."
Dunn makes a great point here: the heartbeat of the country is in the red states only. So does that mean that the brain of the country lies elsewhere? Also, Palin knows what it takes to defeat black Jimmy Carter.
Dunn continues on to describe Palin's followers.
"They are on the whole patriotic and religious folks who appreciate what Sarah Palin represents. They like to see someone who represents their values making the headlines and forcing the hand of the media moguls and political power brokers."
A rare and intriguing insight here: People like to see people with the same views representing them on a large scale. Who would have thought?
Dunn claims that Palin's bus tour has thrown a "monkey wrench into the plans of Republican presidential aspirants, who must take her star-power prowess into consideration and adjust their campaigns accordingly."
He continues to say that whoever wins the Republican nomination "must have the support of Sarah Palin's large and loyal following to win the Presidency," whether or not she runs.
And of course, any other candidate who decided to use a bus tour would just be copying Palin's originality. Unless she approves of their decision.
So, in summation, Palin IS the face of the G.O.P. and she is calling the shots. This must be the case, since as of May 26th former Massachusetts governor, Mitt Romney, leads among candidates with 17% of Republicans and independents supporting him, followed by Palin, former VP candidate, with 15%.
6.03.2011
Grandma's Twitter reveals insanity
Follow Grandma on Twitter and you will get important, informative messages such as these:
#celebrating #nationaldonutday certainly makes my #hemorrhoid #pains go away, well that and rubbing #KrispyKreme all over my #bottom.
#Grandma goes 2 #grocery store for #trash bags, as she is out of them-$100 later back at home- forgot to get the trash bags #assistedliving?
It's #nationalrunningday ... now #Grandma understands why she has the #runs #makessense
Horror story #DonRickles molested #TinkyWinky as a part of an upcoming #FearFactor show - #AnotherCinderellaStory not involving #Grandma :(
http://twitter.com/#!/Youreadygrandma
#celebrating #nationaldonutday certainly makes my #hemorrhoid #pains go away, well that and rubbing #KrispyKreme all over my #bottom.
#Grandma goes 2 #grocery store for #trash bags, as she is out of them-$100 later back at home- forgot to get the trash bags #assistedliving?
It's #nationalrunningday ... now #Grandma understands why she has the #runs #makessense
Horror story #DonRickles molested #TinkyWinky as a part of an upcoming #FearFactor show - #AnotherCinderellaStory not involving #Grandma :(
http://twitter.com/#!/Youreadygrandma
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)